The Two Languages:
Superficial or Intimate

INTIMACY IS A FORM OF COMMUNICATION

We define intimacy as a form of communication. The level of intimacy you share with a loved one can be measured by the level of honesty you share with them—the greater the honesty, the greater the intimacy. It is not just any type of honesty, but a specific type of honesty that creates intimacy. It’s ego-free honesty, or honesty that defies the fear of rejection. It can be measured by the extent to which two people open up to each other in complete vulnerability, shedding the fear of rejection to share things a detached psyche would otherwise be terrified to expose. Detached psyches are terrified of intimacy. Intimacy is as foreign to a separated soul as presence is. Intimacy has the opposite desire of separation—while a separated soul seeks to wall the heart off from vulnerabilities, intimacy exposes the heart and puts it on display in a fearless bid for genuine connection. Intimacy is experienced whenever one’s desire to truly be loved and be known overrules their instincts for self protection and survival, thus instigating ego-free honesty. 

DETACHMENT PREVENTS TRUE INTIMACY

A detached ego acts as a self-made emotional armor you have created to protect your heart from the feeling of rejection or separation. This ego views connection itself as a threat, because deep emotional pain can only come from those you’re genuinely connected to. Egos can act as a heart's attempt to mask vulnerabilities, projecting a fake persona, so that others react to it, instead of to the real heart, so that once they reject you, they reject the fake you, so it doesn't hurt as much. For this reason, it's hard to have real connections with people with detached egos on anything more than a superficial level. 

The degree to which you allow your truest self to feel and be known is the degree to which your truest self is accessible for rejection or connection. So while we operate out of detachment, our hearts will be shielded from experiencing full-on rejection, but it will come at the cost of experiencing full-on connection. Real connection occurs only when someone feels that their true self, not their ego, is genuinely understood, respected, and cared for. The only way to really grow the quality and depth of your relationships is by going past superficialities to genuine, ego-free connection. In general, the depth your loved ones feel you are connected to their real internal world or thoughts, wants and emotions will determine how deeply they experience your love for them. 

As healthy relationships develop, the fear of rejection is slowly replaced by a sense of connection and trust. As this happens it is natural for intimacy to grow. Again, intimacy is honesty about the vulnerabilities of the heart. Intimacy can be seen in the meaningful gestures and thoughtful banter that accompany a deep and loving knowledge of your partner’s thoughts, wants and feelings. It can be seen in the willingness to confess sin to each other, to share internal struggles, to communicate embarrassing needs, desires and fantasies, and to be honest about how things really make you feel. These are all indicators of the level of intimacy you share with your partner. The depth to which you share these things with others determines the depth of your genuine connection and union with them. The more intimacy you have with your parents, spouse, kids and friends determines the genuine depth of your relationships and life. At the same time, it also determines how deeply you can be hurt should betrayal or rejection occur.

Intimacy is the spice of life. It makes everything taste better. The more intimacy you have, the more real your interactions and experiences will feel. The less intimacy you share the more superficial all your interactions and experiences will feel. When you lack genuine intimacy, interactions will feel empty. Enjoyment, affection, communication and all the other attributes that accompany relationships will all lack feeling, potency and meaning when you lack intimacy. The magnitude to which you allow true intimacy is the magnitude that meaningfulness will fill your interactions. Hugs will mean that much more, kisses will mean that much more, apologies will mean that much more and praise will mean that much more. Everything has more meaning when you are truly known and therefore truly loved. 

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INTIMACY CAN ONLY GO AS DEEP AS HONESTY

Many couples are not growing in intimacy because they have reached a plateau in their willingness or ability to be honest with themselves and with their partner. It might be surprising to some to hear the mention of self-honesty. Being honest with yourself is the first step in being honest with others. Before you know yourself you have no ability to share that intimate knowledge with others. Knowing self is often neglected—especially today. To really know oneself, it takes time sitting without distraction in self reflection, and most people today have forfeited quiet times of contemplation altogether for the hustle and bustle of screens and entertainment. The first step to increasing real intimacy with others is knowing oneself. Only then can you invite someone else to know you too.

As we seek to replace superficiality with intimacy, we must do so carefully. If you or your partner are still not fully cleansed of a detached psyche, honesty will be extremely threatening and can cause destructive reactions. To a detached identity, total honesty stirs extreme insecurity. In fact, the level of honesty you have in a relationship tends to indirectly reveal the level of detachment still active in that relationship. If we are truly seeking spiritual growth and personal wholeness, we will want to work toward 100% transparent honesty for all of our close relationships. If you are married and you and your spouse agree to pursue 100% intimacy and honesty, I recommend you pace yourself, gauging readiness. Know yourself first, then time what you reveal, ensuring you both can process vulnerability with grace. 

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“Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.” - Ephesians 4:15 (NIV)

Because honesty can be so threatening, it might be helpful for loved ones to establish a few agreements around honesty. This would include assurances that any attempt made by either person to reveal vulnerable truths will be seen as an attempt toward correcting superficiality and dysfunction, rather than as a threat. When a loved one finally confesses something they have been afraid to tell us, whether it is because they are ashamed, embarrassed, or because they know it would hurt us, it is easy for detached egos to feel threatened, triggering self-defense mechanisms, which usually involve fight or flight. To transition our relational culture from superficial to intimate and from fear to love, we must recognize that how we respond in these moments will determine the level of intimacy that will be accepted going forward. When a loved one bravely shares a painful truth, we must resist punishing it and instead praise it as love’s courage, breaking cycles of fear and fostering a culture of trust. By punishing honesty we set firm limits on intimacy. Honesty is always a primary objective of Love, because only when we are honest, can we truly find healing and grace. 

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” - 1 John 1:9 (ESV)

To truly know a loved one, they must let you past their walls, a barrier that continues to remain in many of our closest relationships. Connection thrives when both surrender pretense, sharing their raw, unfiltered selves. Intimacy isn’t a one-time act but a lifelong dance of honesty, where each vulnerable moment—confessing a fear, owning a mistake, or revealing a hidden longing—builds a relationship rich with meaning. By choosing intimacy over superficiality, you fulfill your divine design, creating a union where love’s truth reigns, making every shared glance, touch, and word a testament to your oneness.

Copywrite (C) Jacob Reeve 2024