THE WAY YOU RESPOND MATTERS

 

Over the last decade a handful of powerful data based discoveries have been made regarding marriages. One of the most powerful of these discoveries was that the trajectory of your marriage can be determined with over 90% accuracy by how partners respond to each other’s invitations to understand each other’s internal world. The Gottman Institute is largely the organization responsible for these studies and they call these invitations, “bids for connection.” A bid for connection is any time one partner reveals something about their heart, or true self, not their ego, giving the other partner an opportunity to join their internal world. These invitations come in all shapes and sizes, but usually include clues about the private thoughts, wants and feelings of the soul; The bids could be delivered as a personal opinion, a secret desire, a pent up emotion or anything that reveals what's going on internally. 

 

On an average day, those who live together typically give each other a dozen or so invitations to understand their internal world. If we are upset internally, we might just tell our partner plainly, “I am upset…” This would be a straight forward invitation to connect. This would be the emotionally mature way to make a bid, but when we are less mature emotionally, we might express our anger through a bad attitude and action, like shutting a door a little more aggressively than needed, or offering shorter answers when asked a question, or not saying goodnight. These bad attitudes are all still bids for connection, but they are far less effective at communicating accurately and far more triggering of our detached psyches than just using words. They are more like little hostile invitations for loved ones to dig in and discover what is hurting the hearts of those acting out.

 

  Invitations for connection are not only about negative attitudes and actions, they could also look like a comment about how beautiful a sunset is, or showing you a funny meme, or telling you how talking to a certain acquaintance always leaves them feeling weighed down. These are all invitations to respond to their heart and deepen their sense of connection with you. The way you respond to these invitations will determine the primary trajectory of your relationships—all your relationships. Strong relational connections are only possible when your positive responses to these invitations far outweigh your negative rejections of these invitations. Incredible relationships are built one response at a time as we treat these opportunities as sacred moments to join in our loved one’s inner world. 

 

THIER INTERESTS ARE THE DOORWAY TO THEIR HEART

 

The greater the relational dependence two people have on each other, the greater significance and impact their interactions will potentially have on each other, sending strong signals of rejection or connection to each other's hearts every time they interact. If you do not learn to understand, respect and value the things their hearts hold dear, you’ll likely trample all over them, causing their ego’s defense mechanisms to go into protection mode and respond by placing an emotional wall between you and their heart. You will start to be seen as a threat to what their heart considers fragile and sacred, and they will keep you at a distance.

 

You might be tempted to argue or disregard some of the things your spouse’s heart considers sacred, thinking them childish or irrational, and they might be! Just like a child, their heart won't care if it is childish or irrational, their heart only knows how to feel the feelings it feels. It can't help feeling however it feels, and if you want to have a truly incredible relationship, you must learn how to recognize, understand, and find beauty in the things your loved one’s heart wants, thinks, feels and finds sacred.

 

EVERY INTERACTION IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO CONNECT

 

It’s as if you have an emotional bank account and every time your loved one sends your heart a signal of connection, it’s a deposit into the wealth of your union, and every time your loved one sends your heart a signal of rejection, it is a withdrawal from the wealth of your union. The quality of your familial relationships and marriage experience will be determined by how strongly your heart feels known, cared for and connected to your loved one’s hearts.

 

Every interaction you have with your loved ones will send signals of connection or rejection to their heart and this will determine the overall trajectory of your relationship with them. If they feel unheard, uncared for, or outright rejected, their heart will begin telling them they are on their own in that area and they will be far less motivated to share that interest with us in the future. To become a better demonstration of love in their lives, we must begin to take advantage of these opportunities to demonstrate our care, diving into their world and joining them enthusiastically, showing interest in their opinions, wants and feelings. When we are seen as a safe place to test opinions, achieve desires and experience emotions, you have won their heart, which is the prize of life. 

 

To improve our relationships and make our loved ones feel loved by us, we must start by treating every interaction, no matter how seemingly insignificant, as a deposit into their hearts. Every interaction will either sow connection or rejection. It doesn’t mean you have to automatically agree with everything they say. It just means you begin to foster genuine respect for their internal world and their emotional state. How well you know, respect and connect to their heart is the number one indicator of the trajectory and quality of your relationship.

 

The greatness of your relationship will not be based on how many trips you take or how big of a house you can buy, it will be based on the quality of your everyday interactions with your partner; how you greet each other when one of you comes home, how you go to bed together, how you wake up together, how you prepare and eat meals together, how you manage a house together, and so on... The signals you send as you do these everyday things together are the greatest indicator of the quality of your marriage and life. This is perhaps the greatest secret to unlocking incredible relationships in your life.

 

THREE WAYS TO RESPOND TO THEIR HEART

 

There are three primary ways to respond to a bid for connection; turn toward it, turn away from it, or turn against it. Here is an example below:

 

The Bid: I come home from work and walk in the door and when I see my wife I say, “Wow, what a day, I am so exhausted...” - That right there is a bid for connection. It is inviting a connection to what I am experiencing in my inner world.

 

Turning toward: She offers an affirming response, like, “oh no, did something bad happen? Let me come give you a hug...”

 

Turning away: She responds by completely ignoring me. This would make me feel totally rejected and disconnected, like I don’t belong or have value in her eyes.

 

Turning against: She responds by saying something like, “You’re tired? Why are you tired? You slept in. You shouldn’t be tired. You just sit around doing nothing all day. I’m the one that should be saying I’m tired, I had to stay home with the kids and...” This would be a rejection of my bid for connection but at least she is replacing it with a sloppy attempt for her own bid for connection. This too would make me feel rejected or disconnected, unless I found the love within myself to forget my feelings for a second and respond with care, and say something like, “Oh no! I am sorry. Did you have a tough day with the kids? Can I do anything to help you now?”

 

As you can see from this example, the way we respond to bids for connection can create a domino effect into deeper detachment or a domino effect into deeper love. Failing to respond positively to these opportunities feeds ego, aloneness and insecurity. Taking advantage of these opportunities feeds love, unity and the sense of connection. As you begin to implement this knowledge into your own relationship by recognizing and responding affirmingly to your partner’s bids instead of taking offense, or responding negatively, your relationship will see immediate improvement. Building healthy communication habits around this understanding will set you on the course of perpetual improvement in your marriage.

 

The Gottman research found that the way a couple communicates, understands and responds to bids for heart connection is essential for fostering a deep and meaningful long term relationship. When a couple can do this well, it is called having high emotional intelligence. High emotional intelligence is the primary indicator of successful and fulfilling marriages.

 

At the Gottman Institute's "Love Lab," researchers observed couples in a quasi-natural setting designed to simulate everyday life. They recorded thousands of interactions and categorized them into different types of bids and responses. The data showed a striking difference between successful and unsuccessful relationships:

 

Turning Toward: Couples in stable, happy relationships turned toward each other’s bids for connection approximately 86% of the time.

 

Turning Away: Couples who later divorced or reported being unhappy turned toward each other’s bids only 33% of the time.

 

As you can see from the data above, the studies found that couples who are more likely to divorce tend to ignore or reject each other's bids for connection at a rate of 3:1 or higher. This means that for every one bid for connection that is accepted, there are three that are rejected or ignored. Conversely, couples who are more likely to stay together tend to accept each other's bids for connection at a rate of 3:1 or higher. This means that for every one bid for connection that is rejected, there are three that are accepted. ("Bids and Turns" study, "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" 1999)