INSECURE ENVIRONMENTS CREATE INSECURE PEOPLE

 

If we go back far enough, most, if not all of our ancestors at some point lived in the wild as tribal hunters and gatherers. In that setting, survival was often brutal. The fight to stay alive was real, everything was either predator or prey and in order to survive they had to treat every interaction as a potential threat to their lives. Every rustle in the brush, every unique aroma, every insect, every body of water and every new territory carried the possibility of death. These circumstances would place a demand on our nervous systems to become coiled and ready to defend at any moment. Today, we can carry this same mentality into our relationships but we do it on an emotional level. Defensive and dramatic overreactions to criticisms, conflict, or problems even within the safest of our relationships reveal just how ingrained these instincts have become. Your detached identity is simply triggering your defense mechanisms by fooling you into believing you are still in a fight for survival and your loved ones are the threat when most of the time, nothing could be further from the truth.  

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Just as each of us has made a physical environment or home for ourselves with beds and furniture and decorations, we also make an emotional home for ourselves using our internal dialogues and our closest relationships. When we don’t feel safe or secure in our emotional environment, a detached ego fills our mind with speculations and accusations and we begin treating every interaction like a threat to our hearts just as our ancestors would have treated every interaction they had in the wild as a potential threat to their bodies. When this happens within the environment of our household, our instincts will trigger, making us hyper defensive, hypersensitive and ready to defend ourselves at any moment against anything that can be interpreted as a threat. Anything that could be perceived as neglect, criticism, or carelessness will be magnified, amplified and reacted to with prejudice. 

 

DEFENSIVE POSTURES ASSUME CONFLICT

 

This happens in so many marriages today. Countless couples find themselves in this exact situation, especially when it comes to discussing the necessary topics that would enable them to have an incredible marriage. Instead of being able to safely and quickly resolve simple conflicts or address needs or wants within their marriage, partners are triggered at every turn and every interaction seems to only fuel offense. This makes attempts at progress exhausting and counterproductive. When this happens, it is because there is a larger issue flowing underneath the surface. The subsurface issue is likely that one or both of you are consciously or subconsciously insecure in your relationship and your hostility is really a cry for help, or a cry for security.

 

When we perceive ourselves in this type of predatory environment, we read every interaction as a conflict, even when others have no ill will or negative sentiment. In essence we create the very conflict we assume they wanted to have when they never wanted to have conflict at all. All of separation’s fears and insecurities are like self fulfilling prophecies, they instigate the very same scenarios they fear most. The truth is, we will manifest whatever reality we believe in. If we believe in the detached identity’s reality, that's what our life will manifest, but if we believe in Love’s reality, that is what our life will manifest. 

 

Insecurity puts us in a defensive posture and hostile mindset instead of a receptive posture and welcoming mindset. Insecurity is the source of the vast majority of marital conflicts, and is the most relationally destructive force there is. Insecurity in a relationship comes from fear that the relationship will ultimately fail and your heart will be betrayed. This fear can either be rooted in a lack of trust in your partner's faithfulness, or it can be rooted in the idea that you are unworthy of faithfulness, or both. 

 

INSECURITY PROPELS THE VERY THING IT IS INSECURE ABOUT

 

  When we are insecure in our marriage, we allow insecurity to sow doubt, speculation and accusation, preventing our hearts from fully trusting or committing to our partner. By doing so, we portray an independent, defensive posture, affirming autonomy and self reliance rather than connection and oneness. Thus, the very act of self-preservation is often the very cause which propels the inevitable rejection. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy, the thing insecurity worries about is the very thing insecurity tends to create. 

 

Many studies have been done on this subject and they all seem to show that couples who don't fully surrender their hearts to their partner are far more likely to eventually divorce. On the other hand, by embracing the vulnerability of total commitment, we can experience the full depth and richness of our relationship. It's a trade-off: we must give up our fears and instead give ourselves fully to our partner. While it can be scary to let go of our protection mechanisms, the reward is a relationship that's more authentic, more intimate, and more fulfilling than we ever thought possible. 

 

Between your current state and your best relationships possible are a series of conversations that require the highest levels of vulnerability and transparency. These conversations will be nearly impossible to have without insecurities being addressed. For this reason, effort must be made into creating a safe environment for honest and vulnerable communication. If you cannot overcome your insecurities, you will have a very hard time responding to criticisms or offenses your partner might share, no matter how constructive they might try to make it. Your partner will likely avoid helping you become the best version of yourself if you are just going to react negatively out of insecurity anytime they try to address something you can do to improve your connection with them. Insecurity is a source of just about every major type of relational problem there is. 

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A RELATIONSHIP DESIGNED TO REMOVE INSECURITY 

 

There is a type of relationship that was designed specifically to eliminate all insecurity. This type of relationship has a certain set of ingredients and requirements that distinguish it from all other types of relationship. This type of relationship is called a “covenant” and it is the only type of relationship God will ever enter into. Every word in the Bible is a covenant word. The Bible itself is divided into two parts called “testaments.” Testaments are one of the three requirements of a covenant. If you don’t understand the concept of covenant, you are likely stunting your ability to accurately interpret scripture. 

 

You might have heard of this term “covenant” before, but many people don't really know what a covenant is and why it is so powerful. There are a lot of ways you can relate to another person. Because insecurity is such a driving force of destruction in relationships, we like to rate relationships based on the security they provide. The better the security, the stronger the relationship. We have categorized relationships and the security they provide into four levels, we call them the four C’s of relationship. These four C’s help us illustrate the spectrum between secure/attached relationships and insecure/detached relationships.

 

CARNAL RELATIONSHIP: A carnal relationship offers zero percent security. It is 100% based on what you can take without regard to the person you're taking from. Rapists, thieves and other predators offer this type of relationship. They offer 0% security, 0% love and 0% care for the other person.

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CONSUMER RELATIONSHIP: One step up from a carnal relationship is a consumer relationship. This is like the relationship you have with your local grocery store. In this type of relationship you are willing to give to the degree that you're receiving in return. In other words you might be willing to pay a dollar for an apple if that's a good price but your loyalty is likely based on the value that you are receiving in return, so if a new store opens down the street that offers 50 cent apples you will likely abandon the first relationship for the second one with better prices. Obviously if you have a marriage relationship like this it is doomed to fail.

 

CONTRACTUAL RELATIONSHIP: The third level of relationship would be considered a contractual relationship. A contractual relationship can offer quite a bit of security but contracts are based on “the letter of the law” and therefore it will always be subject to legalistic scrutiny. Contractual relationships tend to make conditions for dissolution from the outset of the relationship which sets a tone of legalistic insecurity throughout. This is what Paul was referring to in 2 Corinthians 3:6, when he wrote, "Who also made us adequate as servants of a new covenant, not of the letter, but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life. (NASB)" 

 

COVENANT RELATIONSHIP:  Covenant is a permanent commitment forever, no matter what. It is the most secure form of relationship there is. The word covenant means “to cut.” It literally involves a sacrifice, or the cutting of two people’s independence for the sake of union with each other. It is not merely an agreement between two parties, it is a union between two parties. 

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THE THREE INGREDIENTS OF SECURE ATTACHMENT

 

As human civilization matured and expanded through the early centuries, the most intelligent of the ancient societies sought to discover and develop the idea of an unbreakable relational bond. There are many reasons why establishing an unbreakable relational bond would be extremely valuable. Trust is the primary reason. If you need to make an allegiance for the sake of survival, for love, for investment, for business, or for battle, you want to know you can rely on your allies. Many ancient cultures had an interest in figuring out how to create a type of relationship that offered the utmost security. Several of these ancient cultures discovered three ingredients that, when combined, can make a relationship unbreakable. A covenant relationship is formed when two people are united together through a ceremony in which these three essential ingredients are exchanged. As long as these three ingredients are intact, the relationship was considered unbreakable. If one of these ingredients is removed, the covenant is incomplete and it will lack in its ultimate binding power. Today, these same three ingredients continue to offer the same ultimate binding power for those who desire the utmost relational security.

 

Since the beginning of our recorded history, these three ingredients have been used to establish unbreakable covenant unions that offer permanent, unquestionable allegiances between families, tribes and nations. The bond these covenants create are so permanent, they have been used not only to unite rival families, but also to bind nations and end wars. They even have the power to last far beyond the lives of the ones who originally cut the covenant. To conclude this lesson, you will learn what these three ingredients are, how to initiate them, and how to use them in your everyday life in order to maintain and strengthen the bond of your marriage.

 

The three ingredients that are always established at a ceremony to initiate the beginning of a covenant are; a testimony or vow, a sacrifice, and a seal. In order for a covenant to be established and recognized and seen as legitimate, it must begin with the exchange of these three things before witnesses.

 

Our weddings are the places we initiate the marriage covenant. In YOUR wedding you likely exchanged vows, while standing at an altar where you offered the death of your independence to be sacrificed for the sake of your new union. You then likely exchanged rings as a public sign and later had sex as the personal seal of your marriage covenant. You probably didn’t really think about it at the time, but the exchange of these three things can be traced all the way back to Adam and Eve in the garden.

 

These three ingredients are exchanged before witnesses to initiate a covenant, but they also act as three disciplines that will completely destroy insecurity and safeguard your union if they are practiced on a consistent basis throughout your union. In fact, the more you practice them, the more secure your union will feel. 

 

VOWS: Vows are to be viewed as promises kept unto death. You make your vows at a wedding ceremony but the way you demonstrate the power of the principal behind vows, is to keep your word to your partner always, no matter what. If you cannot keep your word for some unforeseen reason, submit your mistake to them and acknowledge it. If you are a person of your word always, it is hard for your partner to maintain insecurity.

 

SACRIFICES: When you got married, you offered your independence as a sacrifice upon the altar. The way you demonstrate this sacrifice is by taking up your cross daily by putting your partner’s desires before your own every opportunity you get. When you do this consistently, there is little room for the lies of insecurity to find a place to land. There is just too much evidence of the testimony of your union for any suspicions to take root.

 

SEALS: When you exchange rings or other seals as the sign of your marriage union, they are meant to be worn from that day forward as a way to publicly acknowledge and honor the exclusive position your covenant partner has in your life. The way you demonstrate this daily is by always finding ways to publicly honor your spouse. However, throughout time, all marriages are only considered consummated once the couple engages in sexual intercourse. While rings are considered the public sign of marriage covenant, Sex is considered the personal sign of your marriage covenant. To honor your covenant, show physical affection and sexual desire for your partner as often as possible.

 

These three disciplines, or four if you count the two seals separately, are your marriage’s primary antidotes for insecurity. If you will employ these disciplines and work at making them consistent, you will safeguard your marriage against insecurity. Conversely, the longer one or more of these disciplines is absent, the more opportunity you give insecurity to rise.

 

"...whatever a man sows, this he will also reap." - Galatians 6:7 (NASB) 

 

Since we are stuck together forever, we will definitely reap whatever relationship we sow seeds for. Next year’s marriage will always be the fruit of this year’s investments.